I am so tired of people telling me to have a new baby.
Don't get me wrong I do want to have another baby. However it's my business and my husbands if and when and such. And really whose business is it to tell me a "new baby" will make me feel better. NO ONE can know that. Cause NO ONE not even someone who has been thru this can know EXACTLY how and what I am feeling. We are all different. And besides I strongly disagree a "new baby" will NOT make me "feel better" of "get over this". That last one thats the one that makes me want to seriously hurt people. I will not and cannot "get over this".
Even if a "new baby" comes ( which everyone keeps patting my back and saying atleast you can have more babies) I will still have lost Chloe. She was so much more than a "baby" . She was a person, she was my daughter. I could not hurt more if I had lost her when she was 5, 15 or 35. Connor and Andrew cannot replace her so why in the world does everyone think a "new baby" will. I HATE THAT!!! It makes it seem like I lost my favorite pair of shoes or my car was totalled in an accident. Oh she's gone go get a "new one". Like she is a replaceable object. One baby is just as good as another. Here is a thought for you ok, if an adult you love died tomorrow would you go get a new one ? And if so would you do it two days after losing them?? NO!! So why do people think it's different with a baby?
Does anyone get the fact that if I have another one... even as I hold my "new baby" I will long for all the times I never got to hold Chloe. As I watch a "new babies" first steps I will wonder if Chloe would have been an early or late walker. As I watch my "new baby" grow and develop hobbies and interests I will wonder if Chloe would have loved horses like me or perhaps been way more girly than I and insisted she was a ballerina.
Most of the time I feel like no one understands and I hate it. However the ONLY way to understand is to have this happen to you and I would NEVER ever wish this on anyone. I'd rather be alone and have no one in the whole world understand. But since I am not alone in this I am grateful for those who have been thru this and who understand. Those who are there to listen and sympathize and validate my feeling as crazy as they may sound to "normal" people. Especially those who are always there no matter the time no matter the reason. They have become like family....
"Old Fashioned" Pumpkin Cookies
12 years ago
Steph, you're right that no one can ever truly understand what you're going through because you are an individual with different feelings and different aspects, but because I've also lost a baby I do think I get a lot of what you're saying. And people who think another baby will ease your pain are nuts. If anything, I think it will only intensify our the pain, make us even more aware of all the things you've missed out on with Chloe and Colden, exactly like you said. I'm so sorry, hon, just so very sorry. Grief is a lonely, exhausting path, but you are not truly alone. Sadly there are so many of us.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I've been meaning to tell you that I had a ring made with the chinese characters you sent me for mother and son. When I look at it I think of Colden, of course, but I also think of you and Chloe. It's beautiful. When I can get it together I'll send you a picture.
I also started a blog myself. It's: unluckylottery.blogspot.com.
Hang in there,
Mol
Thanks for your thoughts Mol ! I've missed you but i haven't really been online much. I'd love to see your ring ! I'm glad I could help by sending you those !
ReplyDelete