I hinted at this in my post on Marley and Me, it's just been brewing and finally tonight it's ready to spill over into my blog.
I HATE the way this has changed me...
I hate the anger, I hate the anxiety, I hate that I've become somewhat over protective of my boys. I hate that I am irritable and extremely easily aggravated by things I normally could've let go. I hate that most days I walk around feeling like I have a bad case of PMS even when I don't. I hate how this literally affects everything I do. Seriously, I never used to think before I went anywhere... "ok who might I run into and what might they say ??" and then have to sit and mellow and mentally prepare myself to deal with anyone I might happen upon. I used to LOVE to listen to the radio now I can't bring myself to listen to anything but my mp3 player cause I know whats coming on and I don't have to worry or prepare myself. Sometimes it even affects what I eat. I had VERY different cravings with Chloe than I did the boys. Sometimes I'll sit down to eat and think "Oh i loved this when... " and my heart just sinks. Or I sit down to eat something I had an aversion to and think "Oh yay I can eat this again." Thats even worse. For some reason even though my pregnancy would be over now anyway regardless of the outcome I still sometimes feel guilty for being happy about not being pregnant anymore. It even affects what movies I watch as evidenced by the Marely and Me fiasco. Also tv shows... ER for example I used to watch it faithfully and got away from it as it started changing some. Apparently I missed a LOT cause I started watching re runs to catch up because it's ending and Noah Wylie (can't remember his name on the show) and his girlfriend lose their baby just like I did. Late in the pregancy, they were all ready, nursery decorated and then the cord wrapped around his neck... no baby. This was by far the worst it was worse than Marely and Me it was worse than anything I've watched or read because it was just way to similar. I NEVER used to think before I turned on my TV!! Now I do. I even click the info button on my remote and read the info on the episode. Sometimes if theres someone even pregnant on the show and I haven't seen it before I change the channel cause I never know what they're gonna do. Oh and lets not forget my favorite... I've had to completely give up Private Practice. I tried to hang on because I love it so much but theres always bad things happening to pregnant women or babies and even if it turns out allright I'm on the edge of my seat the entire time ready to slip into an anxiety attack. The final straw was the episode they did where the girl came in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat and she refused to believe it and left and went on about ther life and they had to find her. She was in such denial and I KNOW how she felt. And when she finally came out of her denial and was heartbroken I KNOW how she felt. SO that was the last of that for me. NO more Private Practice.
Anyway.... to sum up I hate that this has changed me so much in small areas that no one else in this world thinks twice about tv, movies, radio, even FOOD. The worst is I feel like it will be this way forever. And who knows maybe it will but honestly I am praying with every bit of strength I have left that I am not always this sensitive to things.
I HATE the way this has changed me...
I hate the anger, I hate the anxiety, I hate that I've become somewhat over protective of my boys. I hate that I am irritable and extremely easily aggravated by things I normally could've let go. I hate that most days I walk around feeling like I have a bad case of PMS even when I don't. I hate how this literally affects everything I do. Seriously, I never used to think before I went anywhere... "ok who might I run into and what might they say ??" and then have to sit and mellow and mentally prepare myself to deal with anyone I might happen upon. I used to LOVE to listen to the radio now I can't bring myself to listen to anything but my mp3 player cause I know whats coming on and I don't have to worry or prepare myself. Sometimes it even affects what I eat. I had VERY different cravings with Chloe than I did the boys. Sometimes I'll sit down to eat and think "Oh i loved this when... " and my heart just sinks. Or I sit down to eat something I had an aversion to and think "Oh yay I can eat this again." Thats even worse. For some reason even though my pregnancy would be over now anyway regardless of the outcome I still sometimes feel guilty for being happy about not being pregnant anymore. It even affects what movies I watch as evidenced by the Marely and Me fiasco. Also tv shows... ER for example I used to watch it faithfully and got away from it as it started changing some. Apparently I missed a LOT cause I started watching re runs to catch up because it's ending and Noah Wylie (can't remember his name on the show) and his girlfriend lose their baby just like I did. Late in the pregancy, they were all ready, nursery decorated and then the cord wrapped around his neck... no baby. This was by far the worst it was worse than Marely and Me it was worse than anything I've watched or read because it was just way to similar. I NEVER used to think before I turned on my TV!! Now I do. I even click the info button on my remote and read the info on the episode. Sometimes if theres someone even pregnant on the show and I haven't seen it before I change the channel cause I never know what they're gonna do. Oh and lets not forget my favorite... I've had to completely give up Private Practice. I tried to hang on because I love it so much but theres always bad things happening to pregnant women or babies and even if it turns out allright I'm on the edge of my seat the entire time ready to slip into an anxiety attack. The final straw was the episode they did where the girl came in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat and she refused to believe it and left and went on about ther life and they had to find her. She was in such denial and I KNOW how she felt. And when she finally came out of her denial and was heartbroken I KNOW how she felt. SO that was the last of that for me. NO more Private Practice.
Anyway.... to sum up I hate that this has changed me so much in small areas that no one else in this world thinks twice about tv, movies, radio, even FOOD. The worst is I feel like it will be this way forever. And who knows maybe it will but honestly I am praying with every bit of strength I have left that I am not always this sensitive to things.
Yeah, no more Private Practice. No more Grey's, either for me. I tried to watch it after I came home from the hospital and I didn't make it 20 minutes into the show.
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