It is 4 months ago today that I learned my baby girl was gone. 4 months ago today that I layed there smiling and talking to the doctor on the outside trying to appear to be optimistic while we searched for a heart beat. On the inside I was a shaking nervous mess as we searched for a heart beat. A heart beat we would never hear again.
So today I am angry. I am angry that I am not on my way to the store to buy rice cereal and pears to start feeding Chloe some "solids". Angry that I'm not changing the final peices of her
0-3 months wardrobe out for the 3-6 months stuff. Angry that instead of holding my baby girl I'm sitting here wishing I could go buy a beautiful stuffed bunny I saw for her hope chest. Stupid hunh ??
I am angry as I keep hearing of people who should not be pregnant and are, people who have kids and do not love or take care of them and most of all people who lobby for partial birth abortion.
I am angry that so much keeps happening to us one thing on top of the next with NO breathing room.
I am angry at how this has affected my husband. I love him, miss him and want the man I married back. The happy smiling one. Sometimes I feel like I made him the way he is or atleast started the process when I couldn't even save our baby.
Then I am angry at myself. Then I remind myself that there was nothing I could do it was not my fault.
Then I am angry at myself for being angry at myself for something I didn't do.
I am angry at people. All people. Stupid people, insensitive people, people who are supposed to be there for you and aren't, people who hurt babies and children, people who ALWAYS do the wrong thing and ALWAYS end up not just ok but even better.
I am angry about small things. Little tiny things that are no big deal these days just push me right to the edge.
I am angry at what I now call "normal people" Ones who have never suffered a loss like this. They just have NO CLUE and when they start trying to say oh i know how you feel I fell myself tense up and my stomach turn to a hard ball of lead. The worst is when they try to compare something to my loss and if it's lost of a pet I want to punch them right in their face. Just drop them to the ground.
Sometimes I am angry that people think I should be "better by now" and I hate over hearing them say it as they shake their heads.
Sometimes I am angry that others don't see how badly I am hurting or don't care to see it. Yes I am still hurting. Every day is an agonizing struggle to hold it all in and do whats best for my family. Some days I just want to scream doesn't someone notice or care??
I am angry that my friend has now lost two babies. She has two beautiful boys and neither of them are with her. I look at my boys and think of how much I love them and how happy they make me. Sometimes they do something precious and I am angry for my friend that she has not gotten to experience these things with her boys.
I know there are others who have lost more than one baby. I am angry for them to go thru this once is hell I could not imagine experiencing such a loss more than once.
The biggest thing is I am SO SICK OF ALL THE ANGER !!!!! I was never an angry person before. I was quick to stress and worry but not anger. I hate how this has changed me. I guess the thing I am angry at most is BEING ANGRY !!!!!
"Old Fashioned" Pumpkin Cookies
12 years ago
((((Steph)))) I agree with you about being angry about being angry. It's exhausting and demoralizing but I haven't found a way to force a change in my feelings. It just seems to be a roller coaster ride and I can't see what's up ahead. Hang in there. Chloe is very loved and much missed.
ReplyDeleteThanks Molly! Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without ya! Its always a pick me up to get on here and vent and then have a friendly validating comment from someone who TRULY understands.
ReplyDeleteAnger was the worst part of the emotional ride for me. It was all consuming and absolutely exhausting. I couldn't escape or hide from my anger. It was horrible.
ReplyDeleteScream, Steph. Go to the shower, turn it on full blast and scream as loudly as you can. Beat the walls if you feel like it. They won't break and I can't tell you how releasing it can be. If you are up in the mountains, go for a hike and let it all out. Maybe tell someone so they won't come running if they hear you, but go and let it out. It's okay to scream your rage. It's better than trying to keep it all in. (((Hugs)))