Change....

I hinted at this in my post on Marley and Me, it's just been brewing and finally tonight it's ready to spill over into my blog.
I HATE the way this has changed me...
I hate the anger, I hate the anxiety, I hate that I've become somewhat over protective of my boys. I hate that I am irritable and extremely easily aggravated by things I normally could've let go. I hate that most days I walk around feeling like I have a bad case of PMS even when I don't. I hate how this literally affects everything I do. Seriously, I never used to think before I went anywhere... "ok who might I run into and what might they say ??" and then have to sit and mellow and mentally prepare myself to deal with anyone I might happen upon. I used to LOVE to listen to the radio now I can't bring myself to listen to anything but my mp3 player cause I know whats coming on and I don't have to worry or prepare myself. Sometimes it even affects what I eat. I had VERY different cravings with Chloe than I did the boys. Sometimes I'll sit down to eat and think "Oh i loved this when... " and my heart just sinks. Or I sit down to eat something I had an aversion to and think "Oh yay I can eat this again." Thats even worse. For some reason even though my pregnancy would be over now anyway regardless of the outcome I still sometimes feel guilty for being happy about not being pregnant anymore. It even affects what movies I watch as evidenced by the Marely and Me fiasco. Also tv shows... ER for example I used to watch it faithfully and got away from it as it started changing some. Apparently I missed a LOT cause I started watching re runs to catch up because it's ending and Noah Wylie (can't remember his name on the show) and his girlfriend lose their baby just like I did. Late in the pregancy, they were all ready, nursery decorated and then the cord wrapped around his neck... no baby. This was by far the worst it was worse than Marely and Me it was worse than anything I've watched or read because it was just way to similar. I NEVER used to think before I turned on my TV!! Now I do. I even click the info button on my remote and read the info on the episode. Sometimes if theres someone even pregnant on the show and I haven't seen it before I change the channel cause I never know what they're gonna do. Oh and lets not forget my favorite... I've had to completely give up Private Practice. I tried to hang on because I love it so much but theres always bad things happening to pregnant women or babies and even if it turns out allright I'm on the edge of my seat the entire time ready to slip into an anxiety attack. The final straw was the episode they did where the girl came in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat and she refused to believe it and left and went on about ther life and they had to find her. She was in such denial and I KNOW how she felt. And when she finally came out of her denial and was heartbroken I KNOW how she felt. SO that was the last of that for me. NO more Private Practice.
Anyway.... to sum up I hate that this has changed me so much in small areas that no one else in this world thinks twice about tv, movies, radio, even FOOD. The worst is I feel like it will be this way forever. And who knows maybe it will but honestly I am praying with every bit of strength I have left that I am not always this sensitive to things.

Anger.....

It is 4 months ago today that I learned my baby girl was gone. 4 months ago today that I layed there smiling and talking to the doctor on the outside trying to appear to be optimistic while we searched for a heart beat. On the inside I was a shaking nervous mess as we searched for a heart beat. A heart beat we would never hear again.
So today I am angry. I am angry that I am not on my way to the store to buy rice cereal and pears to start feeding Chloe some "solids". Angry that I'm not changing the final peices of her
0-3 months wardrobe out for the 3-6 months stuff. Angry that instead of holding my baby girl I'm sitting here wishing I could go buy a beautiful stuffed bunny I saw for her hope chest. Stupid hunh ??
I am angry as I keep hearing of people who should not be pregnant and are, people who have kids and do not love or take care of them and most of all people who lobby for partial birth abortion.
I am angry that so much keeps happening to us one thing on top of the next with NO breathing room.
I am angry at how this has affected my husband. I love him, miss him and want the man I married back. The happy smiling one. Sometimes I feel like I made him the way he is or atleast started the process when I couldn't even save our baby.
Then I am angry at myself. Then I remind myself that there was nothing I could do it was not my fault.
Then I am angry at myself for being angry at myself for something I didn't do.
I am angry at people. All people. Stupid people, insensitive people, people who are supposed to be there for you and aren't, people who hurt babies and children, people who ALWAYS do the wrong thing and ALWAYS end up not just ok but even better.
I am angry about small things. Little tiny things that are no big deal these days just push me right to the edge.
I am angry at what I now call "normal people" Ones who have never suffered a loss like this. They just have NO CLUE and when they start trying to say oh i know how you feel I fell myself tense up and my stomach turn to a hard ball of lead. The worst is when they try to compare something to my loss and if it's lost of a pet I want to punch them right in their face. Just drop them to the ground.
Sometimes I am angry that people think I should be "better by now" and I hate over hearing them say it as they shake their heads.
Sometimes I am angry that others don't see how badly I am hurting or don't care to see it. Yes I am still hurting. Every day is an agonizing struggle to hold it all in and do whats best for my family. Some days I just want to scream doesn't someone notice or care??
I am angry that my friend has now lost two babies. She has two beautiful boys and neither of them are with her. I look at my boys and think of how much I love them and how happy they make me. Sometimes they do something precious and I am angry for my friend that she has not gotten to experience these things with her boys.
I know there are others who have lost more than one baby. I am angry for them to go thru this once is hell I could not imagine experiencing such a loss more than once.
The biggest thing is I am SO SICK OF ALL THE ANGER !!!!! I was never an angry person before. I was quick to stress and worry but not anger. I hate how this has changed me. I guess the thing I am angry at most is BEING ANGRY !!!!!

Happy Easter....

HAPPY EASTER !!!!
To Chloe, Colden, Autumn, Natalie, Callia, Ethan, Gabe, Xavier,and all the other "Angel Babies" and all their mommies. Who I'm sure are missing them today as much as I am missing my Chloe.

Marley and Me.....

So tonight while my hubby played video games I decided to come in the bedroom and watch a movie. I picked Marley and Me because hubby isn't really into it and I'm dying to see it. It's about one of my favorite things...a dog. Should be safe right....OF COURSE NOT !!!! (speaking of which I will later blog on how my life has changed, and it ties in with this )
So for those you haven't seen it I DON"T reccomend it without this reading this first or atleast having some kind hearted soul warn you. I don't know maybe it wouldn't bother others especially if you're warned. For me there was a very specific reason I fell apart.
There is a scene after she finds out she's pregnant they're at the first Dr. appointment and they go to listen for a heart beat. There is not one. She is not quite ten weeks so they decide that it could be to early to hear if the baby is laying wrong. They go straight to ultra sound to confirm how far along she is and nothing. I thought well she lost the baby at ten weeks it's a miscarriage. It's different enough that I'll be fine it won't bother me. The doctor comes in and does the ultra sound again (nurse practitioner the first time.) and HERE is where it got me. The doctor turns to her and says....

" There is no heart beat. I am so sorry. This happens sometimes, we don't know why."

This is EXACTLY what my doctor said to me when I was 36 weeks along and there was no heartbeat. I swear it is like they copied what he said or perhaps there is a "manual" out there on what to say to a patient in this situation and they both quoted it exactly. It was not close or similar it was verbatim what my doctor said every single word and even the tone of voice.
As the words were coming out of his mouth it ceased to be his voice and became my doctors. My eyes closed involuntarily and I could see my doctor and the room we were in just exactly like I was back looking thru my eyes again on that day. I could even smell all the smells in the room. It was like time slowed down too. Not really slow motion just like even though it was only 3 small sentences it took way longer than you would think running thru my brain. And by the time he was finished saying it my eyes fluttered open and I jumped off my bed. I completely lost it. I wanted to pick up and throw the tv. But instead I ran to the shower and had a good melt down. It's actually been awhile since I've done that.
And of course this had to happen on the spring break weekend when we are kid free and supposed to be having "happy" time. Stupid movie.....

My new family....

So, I have a new family. We are sisters. We are a very sad little family. You see what makes us sisters is not biology and genes and DNA. We are sisters united in our grief. We grieve every day and will for the rest of our lives for the babies we have "lost". We come from all walks of life and all religious backgrounds and yet there is no one who feels out of place or different. We all grieve the same thing. Some may believe differently about what happened to their baby and where it is now or wether or not they will see them again but it doesn't matter. WE ALL LOST our baby and are grieving for them and that alone unites us. Some feel hopless, some feel hopeful. regardless we are ALL sad so we all comfort each other. Some are further in the journey, we who are not learn from them. Some are very new in the journey, we ALL comfort them no matter where we are in our journey. Those who have experienced it at almost the exact same time can comiserate and experience similar things at the same time. Those further out can offer words of encouragement and share their memories from the begining of their journeys. Even we who start out as beginners grow and in turn reach back to those just starting out. I'm not saying we always get along it's just like any family (especially one with all females) I'm sure there are times of strife and hurt feelings but they are few as we are a very different family. We all know what the other is going thru because we experienced it and we feel like we would never want to add to what is already a life altering hurt.
I love my new family. I am closer to some than others but I love them all. They are in my thoughts daily as individuals and as a whole family unit. While I wish no one ever had to join this family of sisters since they do I am very grateful for the ones I feel closest to at this time.

Molly, I am so glad we met. You and I are the kind of sisters I mentioned who started this journey at the same time and having you to talk to was a life saver. It was reassuring to know someone else was feeling the EXACT things I was at the EXACT same time. And all our similarities... that was just creepy. Good creepy though. :) I just don't know what I would have done without you in the begining and now that I feel well enough mentally to be back online I wanna keep in touch better again. Also I am amazed and inspired by how you've turned around to do such a wonderful thing with March for Babies!!! I'm cheering you on !!

Jen, You are my sister who is further out there in the journey. Yet I feel at times we are in the same place and that is WONDERFUL !! You have insight to share and comforting words to give and yet some days when I just need validation you don't have to "remember" how it felt cause you're still here with me still feeling it too. I am extremely grateful to Sara and the Angel craft project for bringing us together.

Sara, You are my inspirational sister for many reasons. The biggest is your seemingly unshaking faith. You inspire me to hang on and keep believing even on my darkest days. Your bible verses on your posts always comfort me and make me smile. Also you have embarked on the pregnancy journey again and though I am not ready yet watching you gives me hope that I will be able to handle it no matter how anxious I may be. I am so glad I saw in one of your posts on the village that you're from the Huber Heights area and responded to tell you so is my hubby. I also am so very grateful for what you made for Chloe on my due date. I have printed it and put it in her scrapbook with the note that it was made by her "Angel Baby Aunt" Sara.

Rachel, we haven't talked much yet but when we have it has been great. We also have some similairites. They are fewer than mine and Molly's but just as big. The biggest being losing our precious girls the same way. To me knowing I'm not the only one that lost a baby to a horrible "accident" that could not be changed or prevented keeps me from going completely insane.

To everyone else... we may not talk much personally but I read all your stuff on ivillage and even if I can't respond. (some days it's all just to much effort or may hit to close to home and I have to get off cause it makes me feel worse. I'm sure you all understand) I feel your pain and long to be able to hug you and take it all away.
I love my new family and you all keep me sane....

The "new baby"....

I am so tired of people telling me to have a new baby.
Don't get me wrong I do want to have another baby. However it's my business and my husbands if and when and such. And really whose business is it to tell me a "new baby" will make me feel better. NO ONE can know that. Cause NO ONE not even someone who has been thru this can know EXACTLY how and what I am feeling. We are all different. And besides I strongly disagree a "new baby" will NOT make me "feel better" of "get over this". That last one thats the one that makes me want to seriously hurt people. I will not and cannot "get over this".

Even if a "new baby" comes ( which everyone keeps patting my back and saying atleast you can have more babies) I will still have lost Chloe. She was so much more than a "baby" . She was a person, she was my daughter. I could not hurt more if I had lost her when she was 5, 15 or 35. Connor and Andrew cannot replace her so why in the world does everyone think a "new baby" will. I HATE THAT!!! It makes it seem like I lost my favorite pair of shoes or my car was totalled in an accident. Oh she's gone go get a "new one". Like she is a replaceable object. One baby is just as good as another. Here is a thought for you ok, if an adult you love died tomorrow would you go get a new one ? And if so would you do it two days after losing them?? NO!! So why do people think it's different with a baby?

Does anyone get the fact that if I have another one... even as I hold my "new baby" I will long for all the times I never got to hold Chloe. As I watch a "new babies" first steps I will wonder if Chloe would have been an early or late walker. As I watch my "new baby" grow and develop hobbies and interests I will wonder if Chloe would have loved horses like me or perhaps been way more girly than I and insisted she was a ballerina.

Most of the time I feel like no one understands and I hate it. However the ONLY way to understand is to have this happen to you and I would NEVER ever wish this on anyone. I'd rather be alone and have no one in the whole world understand. But since I am not alone in this I am grateful for those who have been thru this and who understand. Those who are there to listen and sympathize and validate my feeling as crazy as they may sound to "normal" people. Especially those who are always there no matter the time no matter the reason. They have become like family....

A Comforting Thought...

I often find myself with a bad case of the What Ifs and or the Guilts and then it is always followed by the Whys?? . Sometimes the Whys?? come first but either way it is not fun. A few days ago I was in an especially bad funk and all of the afore mentioned were flying in and piling on me fast. I was driving myself crazy. So I decided to turn on some music, clean and keep busy. While cleaning I found a sympathy card which contained this saying...

WHY ?
That's what we ask.
The truth is, we may never be able to know why.
But we do know that there is no single
"Should have done"
or "Could have done"
or "Did" or "Didn't do"
that would have changed that why.
All that love could do was done.

I love this. It comforts me and quiets the Guilts and the What ifs. I loved Chloe with all my heart and I did everything I could to give her the best. I drank water til I was swimming. I ate healthy, I gave up sweets and I exercised as much as I could. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. I was careful not to over do and I got plenty of sleep. I took minimal meds and swallowed my awful prenatal vitamin everyday.
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING it was humanly possible for me to do I did. All to ensure a safe and healthy enviroment for my precious baby. I did this because I loved her so much and there was no way I could have anticipated or stopped what happened. All I can do now is continue loving her and know I did my very best.