Exhaustion

I am exhausted on all fronts.
I am exhausted emotionally from all the grief and all the pretending to be okay and all the ups and downs in the roller coaster that is now my emotional life.
I am exhausted physically from sleepless nights because I wake swearing I can hear my baby cry though I never got to. From just going through the motions day after day. From my iron levels dropping and staying low over and over again. From being strong for everybody else. You would think that last one would be an emotional thing but no I have found it actually physically exhausts you.
I am exhuasted spiritually from trying to figure out why God would let this happen. From hearing everyone telling me "she's in a better place" or It's all in God's perfect plan" or "Only God can know why right now" and NOT screaming in their face "I KNOW THIS BUT I AM ONLY HUMAN AND IT DOESN"T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER SO THANKS BUT NO...." and believe me that takes MUCH restraint on my part. I am usually a speak my mind person. Now I just nod my head and smile weakly.
Life is just exhausting and I'm begining to wonder if it will ever be anything else....

Of all the things...

Of all things to see... I was in Michaels getting a few more supplies for my Angel crafts and Connor's school yearscrapbook and as I'm picking up some stickers a young girl walks around the corner. Over her arm is a carseat handle. The very carseat my sister was going to buy Chloe. Across the baby's lap is a pink and chocolate blanket and embroidered on the blanket is her name. I did a double take and my heart skipped a beat and ended up in my throat. Her name was Chloe Anna. So what if it was Anna instead of Anne it was just way to close. It was all I could do to make my shaky legs walk past her as I kept my eyes glued to the floor. My heart was pounding and I had a HUGE lump in my throat I could not swallow down. By the time I got to the end of the aisle I could not see for the tears and I fled the store. It's things like that that just haunt and remind me I acn have another baby but I will never have Chloe. There is much I can do see and have with a new baby that will take some of the sting out of losing her especially if it is a girl but it will not be Chloe. There is so much that would have been unique to her that now i will never experience. Her voice, her laughter, or her sparkling blue eyes dancing with laughter as Daddy tickles her. I will never hear her say I love you or momma or both together, or feel her little arms around my neck or her soft lips kiss my cheek. I will never smell her hair after a bath.... the list could go on forever with things that are uniquely Chloe. I guess it all boils down to, I love my precious CHLOE and I miss her so very very much. I will miss her more every day for the rest of my life with every beat of my heart.

Poem

I found this poem and it is so true and so beautiful and so sad all at the same time it has become one of my favorites. I'm working it into a scrapbook page.


"They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind my smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried,
I want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without"

This is so true. I may be able to better handle how I feel in the future but it will never change. How do I know it will never change ?? Because the last line of the poem is EXACTLY how I feel. Chloe will always be my favorite thought but a thought that will forever, atleast some of the time bring a tear to my eye and a tug of longing to my heart.

Follow up to Not Ready...

Sometimes you just have to smile,
Pretend everythings ok,
Hold back the tears,
And just walk away."

I found this quote on a peice of flair on facebook. I love it however I am just not ready to do this yet. I know one day I will be so until then I'll just stay home on Sunday's and be "personal with God". Cause I'm just not ready to pretend yet especially in a place where I feel I shouldn't have to. But church is full of people and people are people and lets face it people can suck. So even at church you can't always be honest about your feelings....

Not Ready....

So I didn't go to church this morning. After the disaster last week I have come to the decision I am just not ready. Not ready to deal with the people. One in particular. I just cannot handle her attitude. Her baby is here in her arms alive and healthy why oh why must she treat me like I purposely killed my baby to rain on her parade??? I just don't get it especially since our church is HUGE it seats several hundred and we still have to have 2 services. I just tried to slip in the back and slip out for my first sunday back. It didn't work that way but still it was only a few people who spoke to me. She is the church secretary and knows everyone. I've only been going for two years and then it's every other week cause of hubby's job. I know a handful of people. And yet with this huge flock of people admiring her beautiful baby snuggled IN HER ARMS she must act like my showing up with my aching empty ones was just to ruin her day. How dare I show up trying to heal my grief in church for the first time on the first sunday she brings her baby to show off. I wore my Chloe necklace to show my friend Abby. It was so hard not to clobber this girl. I just kept thinking I shouldn't have to be showing Abby a necklace with footprints on it. I should be showing her Chloe's tiny feet. But no that honor goes to the other girl and her baby while I sadly stand in the background trying to be invisible, trying not to cry. And yet I get treated like I've done something wrong....